DAY 2

It is my official day 2 of a crisis that for me goes beyond the corona crisis. This crisis for me is personal, affective, interrelational, creative, professional, substantial, emotional and global. It is the biggest question mark that was put in front of me. As a trojan horse carrying a multitude of sub-questions all intertwined like pile of spaghetti, all interdependent, some of them small – some of them on a bigger scale. I started a personal coaching yesterday and it was super important to see where I am, in order to know where to go. This process being kicked off was a tough experience. I had to go places – I had avoided for a long time and it was just about me and not any of my relationships with the other important stakeholders in my life. I think everybody can relate to the loneliness the Virus has created and even though I seem to have much more virtual contact to the people I love – the physical aspect has been deleted off the menu of life. I am forced to feel myself, to find and reconstruct a relationship with the multiple “mes” with my history – with my victories, my defeats. My failures, my qualities. My demons and my angels. All of this without leaning on anybody. It is easier to put the blame on the circumstances of life. For me it has been the master key to survival and an elegant way to avoid to look the beast into the eye. This beast, that, I believe anyone has. The brave know it very well and can control it, others just ignore it. Me I go there have a look, get beaten down and seem to forget its existence and severity quite rapidly. Why would I go back in a naive way and get the same beating?
Coming back to these circumstances of life, which now for nearly all of us is the infamous “lock-down” and the halt to the activities and plans we had. It is the ideal time for an introspective and to get the inventory right. Meaning: where the fuck am I ? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Can i be the one I want to be? Is the one I want to be someone I can be? I am taking my inspirations from numerous sources on this mission. I am starting to search in science and am doing research to scratch the surface of quantum physics – trying to get my head around the multidimensional theories it bears. Obviously not understanding the 9 (or 10) dimensions, which are proclaimed to be the base of all. These dimensions however have become something like a spiritual guideline to me and I am cooking up my very own “salsa” of super-amateur science and homegrown metaphysical theories. This is to define these dimensions as places and occurrences I do not understand, being a lifelong atheist . Putting soul and love in a context and a model. Feeling love as an energy / a dimension. In my creative interpretation of this, results in questions which are pretty far fetched. If love is an energy and / or a dimension, would it as light would be be sucked into a black hole by the power of its gravity and if so, is it the reason that a black hole is reduced to 2 dimensions?
Is love god?
Is god energy?
Is love the essence and of all of the rest just holographic projections, creating these dimensions we perceive as reality. Just a divine energy. A sort of ultimate engine of all life, everything. Pushing this a bit further, if love is the divine energy and our reality just projections of this energy. Does it really matter, that what we feel as reality is real?
Since real or not, it is the picture of a certain reality.
Travelling thru these thoughts, I try to put them into context and I am putting myself into this context, as well as the bird that flies over my head, the mosquito that just stung me, the heartbreak I am just suffering. This isolation has put me in a situation where the body, my body is not one with any other. It is alone in its existence. Even if in theory all of this could be non existent in the way we look at existence. All I long for is touching the energy of love and feeling a different body, who also feels the urge to do the same thing with me and in the end return to the essence: love. The fusion of energy everything is built on – in a way the return to the initial state: home.